A Lifetime with a deadline

You cannot tell a person’s story when you meet them. You cannot claim to know their fears, their confidence, their actions, their regrets, their emotions and their choices.

‘I have lived a half life on double. And, I am tired’ she said. ‘

‘I have lost 2 parents to cancer, pulled a sibling through alcholism, found my own life partner and a partner for my sibling, been to court, lived in and out of hospitals, do my own finances, in a aimless marriage, dream of getting out of it soon, and I am tired.’

She sat there in the hospital as her life reeled in front of her eyes. The many things that couldn’t have been right. The many things she wanted to change.

Was there a way she could undo all of it? No. And yet, when she closed her eyes and found the many things she wanted to undo, she realised that it did not matter.

When told that she had cancer, her world crashed. She numbed and her legs became weak. Her family gathered around her in silence and shock while she did not know what her reaction was. She wasn’t able to react. She stared at the paper that identified her type of cancer. She wanted it to be a typing mistake, an error that would leave her speechless and then break her up in relief laughter. But that was not to be. She blinked twice and yet nothing changed. The paper was still there and so was the diagnosis.

She got up and walked over to her study table and pulled up her laptop. The only thing that she knew made sense was to empower herself with information that would reassure her that she would be okay. This was her way of dealing with the shock.

Her family recovered quickly as they realised what she was doing. They did not waste a second more in emoting because there was a large task at hand. Finding out as much as thye could about this cancer, and beating it hands down with the right treatment. Mission established.

The empty room after 10 mins gave her a moment to think and pull her emotions out of herself. She was confused, scared and angry. Nothing made sense. This was not to happen to her because she had been too close to it having lost her parents to it. This was UNREAL.

And yet, every moment the fact was sinking in. She was a cancer patient now and hopefully would be a cancer survivor. She was many things in this life till now, but, being a cancer survivor was never on her mind. She had seen the struggles physical and emotional, once before and was never prepared to go through it all again.

The next few weeks were spent in shuttling between doctors, surgeons, labs and an overdose of information. Mission “Beat this hands down” had started. Powered with willpower and the support of her family, she knew that she was ahead in the game this time unlike before when she had to manage it all alone for her mom.

She was going to win this.

Lying in the room, with her gown pulled up, she did not know where to look. She did not know what to think as strangers shuffled around her hooking up, and adjusting the machine. Random instructions to shift up and down, left and right to settle into the right position to start her treatment were responded to numbly. Nothing could make this right and easier on her. She reminded herself that she was just another patient for them and her body was not the object of discussion in the room or even after. That did not make it any easier for the next 4 weeks as each time, methodically, and unemotionally, technicians, nurses, doctors and other healthcare staff poked, prodded and adjsted her body. She had to become immune to all the emotions bursting out of her of shame, embarrassment, shyness, pain, discomfort and sometimes even tears.

As each day turned into weeks and weeks into a month, the treatments continued like clockwork. The fight was to win this, to beat this hands down.

Walking out of the room, not wanting to hold on to anything for support, she tried so hard to smile. Was it really getting this bad? Was she so weak that walking out wasn’t possible anymore? Yes she needed a wheelchair. No longer was she able to lift her feet and even drag herself out of her room. She gave in and reminded herself that this was just a tool to help her achieve her win. And, she shouldn’t let it be the focal point of her journey.

She wanted to eat. She wanted to enjoy her food. She wanted to savour each morsel that she was putting in her body. But she could not. A menu was made so that she could enjoy her food with simple pleasures. A few weeks into the treatment, this menu was redudant. She could not eat. She could not chew. Nothing was getting digested. And, yet she felt hungry. Balancing between her need for food and her desire to eat against the horrible state of her mind and stomach, she tried to find a solution. Each evening was a different story to tell. She focused and repeated all that she could eat and slowly her diet was a handful of fruits and foods that she could tolerate in taste and in digestion.

Her body was behaving differently. She wasnt able to understand it. There was a fire coursing through her veins which made her irritable, angry and short-tempered. She was not to be spoken to unless it was about something necessary. She could not bear her own personality deteriorating to muted conversations and hushed whispers for fear of arousing her anger. As the weeks went by, she wasn’t interested in any conversation with family either. Nobody, and nothing appelaed to her. She survived with her favorite web series that she binge wateched for endless hours on her iPad. Not a word exchanged and no smiles were given.

This illness takes over your body is what everyone said to her. And, for the first time since her mother died, she felt the insecurity again. The fears of death returned. She had to overcome these. she was not going to die and she needed this reality to drive her towards her win. She couldn’t allow the pain, fears and emotions to drag her into losing the game against cancer. It’s all in the mind, she had heard in the past. If you believe you will be alight then that is what will happen.

She braved it with a smile letting everyone believe she was in charge. While inside her, fears and insecurities had taken over. Nothing was the same. Suddenly, there was a deadline given, a finish line drawn and the date of which was unknown. It could be tomorrow, a month from today, a year or years from today but the sword would always hang indefinetly. What if it came back? Would she have to take the same treatment again? Would she have to go through more pain? The answer was unknown and that is what made it impossible to accept.

Her eyes were moist when her doctor said she is disease free now. She wanted to wipe away all the pain locked inside her of the past few months. She wanted to erase her fears and replace them with confidence. But, unfortunately, she couldn’t. She was advised to talk to people, she knew that was not what would help. Nothing could, could it? She held his hand in silence and let him know she was grateful because for the first time in months, something had ended positively.

She got up from the chair, wishing she would never have to come back. The truth is far from it though because she was to return for checkups and this she knew was a lifetime committment she would need to make. At least, this one episode was over is what she thought. Walking out, she carried her bruised body, her broken confidence and continuing fears to the life she had to return to, praying to be compeltely disease free for the rest of her life.